This Is What Happens
by Astra Greenleaf
Summary: Professor McGonagall has concocted an interesting set of rules, though no one knows why. What's she got against the Irish anyway?


This is just a strange idea that somehow managed to get on paper, and the irony is it's April Fools Day! ************************************************************************  
  
Harry twiddled his thumbs sitting in potions class pretending to listen to Snape ramble on and on about how Polyjuice Potion was dangerous when the intercom announced that all students were to report to the Great Hall. Ron, Hermione and Harry shared a glance, shrugged and walked with the rest of their peers to the Hall. They took their usual seats along the Gryffindor table and waited for the purpose in herding them all out of class.  
  
McGonagall stood up slowly and the Hall fell prey to absolute silence. "You were all called here today to discuss the new school rules."  
  
Harry raised his hand, but McGonagall ignored him and drew a long parchment from beneath her robes, allowing it to unravel to stretch to the entrance of the room and she began to read,  
  
Mr. Malfoy and Ms. Granger have failed. Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle receive A's  
  
At this new discovery both Hermione and Draco released a 'What?' in combined incredulity.  
  
"Hush!" Ordered Minerva sharply and continued,  
  
There will be a fasting period for three weeks, anyone caught eating will be given detention You all must ride to class on lawn mowers There will be no more Quidditch broomsticks, you will all be riding flying bottles of toothpaste The bludgers have been remanufactured to contain electricity so don't touch them The quaffle has been inflated to five times it's normal size, good luck chasers Ritual sacrifices will now be made with the student body's pet's annually  
  
At this particular tidbit Neville fainted with the thought of having to kill Trevor  
  
And for the local weather report, here will be three blizzards tonight followed by an 85 degree morning, there will be four thunderstorms throughout the afternoon followed by a severe hail storm New bedtimes have been moved from 9:30 to 6:30 From now forward all Gryffindors and Slytherins will share a common room All Irish students will be expelled for a year, they may choose which  
  
Seamus's mouth fell open in astonishment "But what about my grade?"  
  
"Hush!" McGonagall snapped  
  
The showers have no more hot water, you will all take cold showers or no showers  
  
"Can we boil." "NO!" Minerva cut the speaker off short.  
  
Women's dorm rooms will no longer have locks Every student will now under go a swim course in the lake, monster included Hagrid will sacrifice a student every month to his hippogriffs. He will select the doomed students randomly by spinning around in a circle with his eyes closed and pointing Each student is only permitted to speak 100 words a day. If any one exceeds the limit their head will be chopped off  
  
"Oh now come on!" Draco said irritably  
  
"Yeah, I mean, that's gotta be against some rule." Harry pointed out to the professor.  
  
"You've already said your hundred words today Mr. Potter. I advise you not to say another." Minerva's eyes narrowed.  
  
"But."  
  
"Oh, that's it, off with his head!"  
  
Harry's eyes widened as Snape and Hooch grasped his arms and dragged him from the Great Hall. A few moments later a scream and a slice was heard.  
  
Ron raised a quivering hand into the air.  
  
"Yes Mr. Weasley?"  
  
"Can I go home?"  
  
"No, in fact you are all going to stay the summer, now where were we? Ah yes,  
  
Hogsmeade had caught fire so no one can travel there anymore Once the three weeks of fasting is over, each pupil will eat cashews, only cashews, for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and you will eat them with cork screws. No other utensil will be permitted, if you try to sneak in a spoon or fork your head will be chopped off There will be no more green jello, only red will be eaten after you eat your cashews, if someone doesn't eat their jello they will be decapitated and buried in green jello as a symbol of my disappointment  
  
She rolled up the parchment solemnly "And finally, for the final rule, this list of rules was all an April Fools!" With that McGonagall threw her head back and laughed manically!  
  
Harry walked in and smiled "Good one professor." The whole room erupted in laughter.  
  
THE END 


End file.
